Monday, March 7, 2011

Suicidal Ideation Prompts Blog - Read all about it!

This blog, is different from the others (Three 2 Treat & The Diabetic Caveman) that I author.

This blog will be solely devoted to diabetes and mental health. My current struggles with D, my struggles with my 2 type 1 kids, and hopefully some research and good techniques to manage the "Mind Game" that accompanies living with diabetes. 

I guess what prompted this new blog was a recent experience that is actually very fresh in my mind.  So raw I am dealing with it in my heart and soul as I type this, which will hopefully make it more real.

If you have had the chance to read my other blogs,  you will know my style is open, candid and real. Feel free to let me know if you feel I am straying from my blog writing principals.

I have had diabetes for 28 years, and for the most part  have successfully managed it. Nevertheless, it has  taken its toll on me mentally.

Last week it (Diabetes) finally beat me, at the mental game. I call it a game because it is, see my post on Three 2 Treat called, "A Diabetes Mind Game"  Well let's just say I felt like I was defeated and in check mate(which in chess means game over, no other moves, the end)  Ready to topple over my king in the game of life.

In my 38 years of being on this earth, this is the lowest I have ever felt. I have always been able to see a glimmer of light. Not this day.  I woke up, went to work, and didn't take my insulin. That's right, I did not take any insulin. For those with Type 1 DM you know this is not a good way to start the day. I picked my children up, dropped them off, and said my goodbye, I will always love you no matter what statements. WTF!  Who does that......

Now, a glimpse into my mind. Why was I in check mate. I had lost all desire to care. I was tired, so very tired, of diabetes, life, commitments, bills, debt, basically tired of living.  I decided my plan was to go into (DKA) Diabetic Ketoacidosis and slip away.  I know in retrospect it is an easy way out. But a way to never think about diabetes ever again.  So what happened?

Well, I posted a comment titled "Life Sucks!"on facebook.  Then went about my work day(pretending diabetes didn't exist). It is amazing how you can act normal, despite what you are truly feeling on the inside.

Later in the day, cramps started to set in, my brain got foggier, and I knew I was on my path to DKA, according to the plan.  I was thirsty but did not drink.  I wanted to be dehydrated, it would expedite the process and end result..

Then I received a call from my friend, who happened to be a very talented social worker. He said, "Hey buddy, wanna grab a burger after work today". I immediately started crying, it was like the flood gates busted, I was now swearing at him under my breath for making me cry at work. He made me promise to meet him, and I did.

I arrived at the restaurant before him.  Starting to feel abdominal cramps, and physically sick. I ordered a double burger, bacon, loaded, with onion rings, and a large coke.  I had know idea what my glucose was and didn't care.  Ryan arrived, sat down, and my phone rang. I answered it, "Hello, this is officer ------ may I speak to Trevor?" I replied,  "This is him, may I help you sir?"  He sated he wanted to talk to me as there was a concern about my safety.

I told him my location,  and informed him that  I had my friend here and handed Ryan the phone. Ryan told the Police officer that he would ensure I took my insulin and if not he would call the officer back.  Being a health care professional I knew that if I did not comply,  the police would apprehend me and lock me in a psych ward for the night or longer. Wow, was I fucked up.  I didn't care either way.  I also had to promise to make an apt with my physician ASAP. So what happened?

 I spent the night with Ryan. The next day I went home to my wife. I seen my physician. I am booked to see a counsellor to hopefully figure out what got me to this desperate state. Still not sure if I need to go to the hospital.  I know I want to live. I know there are options. I know my wife and children need me, and love me.  Like I said before what the hell is wrong with my brain!? 

Life can get pretty messed up.  Our minds are amazing things, our emotions are amazing things too, however, sometimes, emotions confuse the mind, self talk no longer works, and emotions are so overwhelming  that poor and often life threatening decisions and/or  actions are set into effect.

I used to hate facebook, but I fear what the outcome what have been if Ryan hadn't been perceptive to my post and called me. I'd either be dead, seriously ill, or locked up in a mental hospital.

But....Here I am. At work on Monday,  contemplating the last five days. Playing a serious game of mental chess with diabetes, who is relentless in his ability to take me down again.  I say the Mind-Game isn't over yet.  Let's reset the Chess Board and hopefully I can be more strategic this time around. 



  1. Hey, I appreciate the honest blog. If I've had similar thoughts after 5 years, I can only imagine what it's like after 28 years, plus helping your kids manage THEIR diabetes. I'm glad you posted on FB, and I'm glad your friend reached out to you! Sometimes we gotta hit rock bottom...diabetes has definitely been kicking my butt this year...hard to climb out of the hole it kicks you in!

  2. Thanks for the encouraging words. I scared myself. Never been sooo low. Take care.