Great Album from Pink Floyd by the way.
What now? Why did I fall so deep? These are questions for me to explore. I want the spring back in my step, the passion back, but I feel like I am trudging through thick mud. Everything is an effort. Like being stuck in quicksand, reaching for a branch to grab a hold of and pull my self out.
I have blogged about diabetes and mental health on Three 2 Treat numerous times; a few posts come to mind: Mood and Diabetes - What Gives!, a few of my later posts like, Throw in the Towel Already! and most recently a, Letter of Resignation.
Were these signs that maybe I was on a slippery slope to deterioarating mental health or extreme burnout? Who knows.
My momentary lapse in rational thinking scared the living shit out of me. Hindsight is not entirely twenty twenty at this point in time. However, I am astutely aware of what I was capable of doing, and also what I would have lost.
I hope to learn from this experience. I hope to share this with all who are willing to read this. I am not writing this for simpathy; but to express my self, and hopefully avert a future episode for myself or for another overwhelmed soul dealing with a chronic disease like diabetes who feels like there are no other options.
As my friend said (my dear friend) there are always options. Just pause long enough, and they will surface and present themselves. Always. Time, is alway ticking, but this is a good thing, as time allows us to ponder options, and some options obviously have better outcomes then others.
So in my case, and I am sure I am not alone. There was a moment where my thoughts weren't rationale, or a momentary lapse of reason..
A "moment" by my definition is a temporary period in time, that inevitably passes. Thank god, my momantary lapse of irationale thinking passed uneventfully, allowing me to move forward in time to the next moment.
Hopefully it will be a moment of mental clarity, one that is future oriented, one filled with joy, love, success, and life.
But what saved my ass in this crisis? Luck amd a perceptive friend.
What now?
My own insight into what transpired, I guess. A willingnes to seek help. I have seen my physician, I have booked counselling, I am not ashamed to seek help. Talking and sharing is good.
Yes, even if you are a man. See my humour is still present, however lame.
Next I will look into resources I should have accessed prior to this event.
Thanks for letting me share.
Trev
PS: If you are feeling desperate reach out. Seriously!
I sent you a message on TuDiabetes, but I think I will tell my story here.
ReplyDeleteFirst thing I wanted to say is that you're really a wonderful guy -- I've been enjoying Three2Treat. You take good care of your family and are very emotionally responsive. This might not sound like much when you're depressed, but I'm saying it anyway! :-)
I have had Major Depressive Disorder since I was in the 5th grade. Diabetes came later, at age 43.
When I'm in a depression, I ALWAYS have persistent suicidal thoughts 24/7. Diabetes only makes it worse. The ONLY thing that has helped me has been an antidepressant. These are NOT "happy pills" -- for me, at least, they don't stop the depression, but they DO quell the suicidal thoughts. If you're not thinking about suicide all the time, it frees up your mind to think about what the issues are and what to do about them.
I'm glad you're going to see a counselor (psychologist, in the US), because if you have a good one it can be very helpful. I've been seeing one for several years, and talking with him about a lot of things, including diabetes. I've had diabetes for 20 years now, and I still haven't accepted it. When I've had a string of good numbers, I get the crazy idea that maybe the diabetes has gone away while I wasn't looking. And then I omit insulin. Which never works. One of my personal goals is to get my emotions to realize what my intellect knows: it's the INSULIN that gives me the good numbers in the first place!
Last year, I had a major depression, and bingeing on carbs and periodically omitting my insulin, which got worse as my BGs got worse. When I finally did try to get my BGs down, they were so high that I had become very insulin resistant, and so the insulin I was taking didn't help. As a result, my BGs climbed to over 600, and I ended up in a coma. If my friends hadn't come looking for me after I didn't show up for a picnic, and taken me to the ER, I would have died by morning.
What I learned as a result of this is that I really DO want to live, and that no matter what else I DON'T do as a result of depression (which I know will recur), like doing the dishes or the laundry, etc. I WILL take care of my diabetes. It HAS to be top priority, because if I am ill from high BGs, I can't take care of anything else. If you are ill, you can't take care of those adorable children who need you, nor of your wonderful wife who needs you too.
I really respect you for going public with your feelings, and I want you to know that you are not alone, by far. So now, I want you to have the patience to wait for whatever treatments you decide on to start to work (it takes time, whether it's talk therapy, medications or both), and to be sure to reach out to your close ones if you feel desperate.
Remember, you ARE loved!