Friday, November 30, 2012

Life Changes and so does Diabetes

I almost forgot that this is a blog about diabetes and the games we play in our mind to manage it.

Well, if you`ve read my last post my life has changed, and for a while so did my ability or motivation to manage my diabetes. Put simply I just didn`t care. Still don`t some days.

I go to my doctor and they always comment on my A1C, oh, it has climbed, and I usually reply that the reason is my mood has declined, sort of an inverse relationship I guess.

I always tell folks with diabetes, that if the stress part of your life isn`t well managed then your diabetes will never be adequately controlled. Who am I to preach. I know.

When my depression gets a grip, you know, barely brush my teeth, dragging my self to work, those joyless, overwhelming sad feelings, my diabetes is the last thing on my to do list. In actual fact it likely compounds my mood as I make poorer food choices cause I just don`t care.

When you feel worthless, and ineffective in your daily life, one way to abuse yourself is through not taking care of yourself. People use alcohol and drugs, I have used diabetes, knowing full well that eating 3 bowels of sugary cereal is not exactly in a good diet plan.

Point is I need to focus on the mood first, sooth the soul, talk , write, exercise, try to find joy and purpose, which I find in my kids and work.

Well, that's all I can think of for now.


Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Let the Mindgames Begin....Again

My Mind, oh my mind.

I often comment on facebook how I wish there was a pause button or an off switch when the mind is racing away with endless worries and thoughts.

Well folks, my world is completely flipped around. Yes it is true. My wife and I are living in separate places, or in official terms separated. No reconciliation in the near future, trust me I`ve asked.

I have five wonderful ladies in my life, no not girlfriends, my children that keep me spry and on my best behavior.

Life is lonely, despite having two jobs, and five kids.

As for the mind game, and diabetes, well at first it took a nose dive, seriously, crazy numbers, I fear my next A1C, but if ya ain`t got the mind under wraps then diabetes management inevitably fails.

It would appear that I completely gave up on this blog. But the truth is, I havn`t been able to focus a whole lot on the essentials.  Keeping my job most days has been a challenge, as depression, sadness, anger or whatever the flavour of the day was engulfed my life and thwarted my ability to concentrate on the most basic tasks.

 But I am back. I`ve climbed out of that deep dark place, albeit still looking over my shoulder at the precipice, but far enough from the edge to feel safe now.

So hopefully I will jot my thoughts down on occasion and they will make a little sense, and just maybe I will relate to some one out there....


Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Feeling High Off Drugs

   And have not yet decided if it's a good idea to come off of my SSRI in 2 weeks, total days off is 5 and feeling very odd, insomniac, depressed with extreme periods of irritablitly, and even some mania thrown into the mix.

Blurred vision, fatigue, feverish, and the worst is the electrical feeling and light headedness.

Why go off them you may ask.....well let's just say when my thingy went limp during a romantic moment I decided forget this I`d settle for a little crazy for a better sex life.

I will let you know how that goes.....


Anyone else experience these side effects after going off ciprilex or celexa

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

A Selfless Perspective to Happiness

So for those who read my previous post know I had an Apointment my my Family Doctor yesterday.

I was eager to see him as I have been experiencing a very low energy level and mood for quite some time now.

My Doctor is a great councellor. Not all Doctors have the ability to listen actively, and help you work through your issues. He spends more then the alotted apointment time to hear me out, and provided his help.

So I start off telling him about my energy level saying "I use every ounce of will power to drag my butt out of bed in the morning" and I add, "I have no desire to do anything, even stuff I used to enjoy like Thai Box"  and finally, "I just want to feel excited, energized about life again"

Of course he nods, and says "What do you feel the issues are in your life?" 

I reply, "Money, or lack there of, Diabetes in all aspects, but I exercise, get sunlight, sleep 8 hours, usually, reflect, discuss, write and still no mood improvement" "I Just feel Flat"

We talk about the specific stressors in my life mentioned above. Then he says this to me. "Trev, you are experiencing the busiest time in most peoples life right now, and you also have diabetes to deal with, but you have to remember, right now your job is to be there for your children"

It was like a father giving his son advice not a physician talking to a patient. That statement "Be there for your childen" resonated with me for hours later.  It really put my life into perspective. It's not about me, its about them.  I know this truth, but needed to hear it from a repected friend.

To conclude he said "We still need to do something about your mood" and I am trialing a Med called Wellbutrin. I guess it works synergistically with Celexa.

At this point I am willing to try anything.

But I think I need to be there selflessly for my family.


Thursday, May 26, 2011

Tired or Depressed?

"It is fuzzy, often like my brain"
I have not written on Diabetes Mind Game for some time now. 

I feel the impulse to do so, and have a few minutes. So here goes.

I have progressed a ways since my First Post but still feel that daily life, you know the "grind" the "rat race" is "heavy:" and I am honestly trying to remain upbeat. But near the end of  the work day, I feel, exhausted, drained, and sad.

It takes all the effort I have to remain calm, and loving with my family.  But can't help to ponder why is it so hard, so much of a struggle every single day to be happy, positive,  and productive. When in actuality the intense desire to just stay in bed, not work, is so imminent.

I have a great life! I really do, but my inner mood is bllllaahhh!  What the hell?

I did this Depression quiz (Click here for quiz) and it indicated that I am still depressed.

Then I ask, is it depression or simply exhaustion from too busy a life? 

I would love to feel lighter, mentally, more positive more often, more motivated daily.  I just feel sometimes like I am going through the motions of life, and eventually I am going to be lying on my death bed, going wow that life went fast.

I will be 39 tomorrow. I look well for my age, but feel old on the inside.

I see my General Practitioner Next week. I will discuss changing up things.


Friday, April 29, 2011

I Can See Clearly Now......

My Attempt at Poetry.

The Time has Come, it's that Time of Year,
The Grass Dries Up, and the Sky becomes Clear

I Reflect on the Passed Season, and Wonder Why
Why I Struggled, like a Kite in the Sky

Although my Mind was in a State of Fear
I pulled on out and now I'm here

This Season Pulled and Pulled, I Could Not Fly
Instead I felt Alone and Cried

The Sun now Shines and Dries my Tears
and Now I'm Left to Love and Endear


Friday, April 8, 2011

Self Experiment - Does Diet Effect Your Mood?

"Me Fired Up!"
 Good Day All! Boy do I have something I want to share!!!  I have not been this fired up in a long time. No I am not manic. This is some really revolutionary stuff. I didn't invent but check it out!!!

Not sure if I mentioned this,  but my last A1C was 8.4 % which, in my opinion for myself, pretty much sucks!!!

So I took a hard look at my current diabetes regime and self management.  By hard I mean honest, like; can I do more, am I measuring, trending, tracking, counting, am I consistent. To answer myself; as to whether I've been a well behaved PWD. I'd have to say, NO. I haven't been consistent in doing any of the above.

The result,  a shitty A1C.  Time to do something radical. Time to make a plan, and stick with it. Time to smarten up, and as you all know, I have 90 days.  At which time I will repeat my A1C and have a check-up with my physician.

Over the past four days, I know, not long, but I have to share this, I have been doing the following:

-Off my Pump, back on the Multiple Daily Doses.

-Re-Read Dr Bernstein's Diabetes Solution , for the second time in 4 months(This time I took notes)

-I have been eating the following portions daily:
Breakfast:  6 grams Carb and 3 oz Protein(Measured using a scale)
Lunch: 12 grams Carb and 4 oz Protein(Pre-made the evening before)
Dinner: 12 grams Carb and 6 oz Protein

-I have been taking the following insulin:
AM: Levemir 15 Units (split into 3 separate injections as per Dr B's Suggestion)
AM: Apidra 5.5 Units
Lunch: 4.5 Units
Dinner: 6 Units
Bedtime: Levemir 5 Units

Broken Down:

Correction Factor = 1 Unit will drop my BG by 2 mmol
1 gram of Carb increases my BG by approximately .3 mmol
1 unit of insulin for 1.5 oz of protein
1 unit of insulin for 6 grams of Carb
2 units to cover the Dawn Phenomenon (2 hrs after waking)

-I write everything down
-I tested every 2-3 hours for the first 3 days
-I discovered Sugar Stats a website that allows you to log your numbers, graph them, and so much more. Get this! If I am out, away from my computer I email my blood glucose reading using my phone to the site and review the numbers later. It really is awesome!(No I am not an affiliate, so I don't get anything if you visit the site)

Okay, so what?! 

I am going to tell you, the first day sucked!  I felt low(hypoglycemic) because I wasn't used to having sugars in the normal range. I felt hungry, I had a massive headache. Day two, still feeling headachy, but slightly better. Day three, better. 

Today, I feel fantastic!!!  I have no headache. I have no post meal spikes, my range yesterday and today has been close to that of a non-diabetic.  I never in my 28 years of being a Type 1 have seen numbers, I mean stable, steady. 

My mood and my mind is clearer then I ever thought possible. I am not exaggerating. I post my numbers publicly on Sugar Stats if you want to check them.  It's really encouraging to eat a meal or take a shot and knowing exactly what the outcome will be.  I admit I was really hesitant to take 1 unit for 1.5 oz of protein. But seriouly, it's totally possible!

The only downfall is it is a rigid regime,  but I feel great and that is motivation. I don't feel edgy, like I am on an emotional roller coaster that I would get with spikes and drops in my blood sugar.

Stable numbers (Stable Carb and Protein + Stable Insulin = Stable mood ) 

That is my conclusion thus far.  I know it is only day four but I am onto something life changing. I just feel it!