Momentary Lapse of Reason - Now What?

Great Album from Pink Floyd by the way.

What now? Why did I fall so deep? These are questions for me to explore. I want the spring back in my step, the passion back, but I feel like I am trudging through thick mud.  Everything is an effort.  Like being stuck in quicksand, reaching for a branch to grab a hold of and pull my self out. 

I have blogged about diabetes and mental health on Three 2 Treat numerous times; a few posts come to mind: Mood and Diabetes - What Gives!,  a few of my later posts like, Throw in the Towel Already! and most recently a, Letter of Resignation.

Were these signs that maybe I was on a slippery slope to deterioarating mental health or extreme burnout? Who knows.  

My momentary lapse in rational thinking scared the living shit out of me. Hindsight is not entirely twenty twenty at this point in time. However, I am astutely aware of what I was capable of doing, and also what I would have lost.

I hope to learn from this experience. I hope to share this with all who are willing to read this. I am not writing this for simpathy; but to express my self, and hopefully avert a future episode for myself or for another overwhelmed soul dealing with a chronic disease like diabetes who feels like there are no other options.

As my friend said (my dear friend) there are always options. Just pause long enough, and they will surface and present themselves. Always. Time, is alway ticking, but this is a good thing, as time allows us to ponder options, and some options obviously have better outcomes then others.

So in my case, and I am sure I am not alone. There was a moment where my  thoughts weren't rationale, or a momentary lapse of reason.. 

A "moment" by my definition is a temporary period in time, that inevitably passes. Thank god, my momantary lapse of irationale thinking passed uneventfully, allowing me to move forward in time to the next moment.

 Hopefully it will be a moment of mental clarity, one that is future oriented, one filled with joy, love, success, and life.

But what saved my ass in this crisis?  Luck amd a perceptive friend. 

What now? 

My own insight into what transpired, I guess.  A willingnes to seek help.  I have seen my physician, I have booked counselling, I am not ashamed to seek help. Talking and sharing is good.

Yes, even if you are a man. See my humour is still present, however lame.

Next I will look into resources I should have accessed prior to this event.

Thanks for letting me share.

Trev

PS:  If you are feeling desperate reach out.  Seriously!

Suicidal Ideation Prompts Blog - Read all about it!

This blog, is different from the others (Three 2 Treat & The Diabetic Caveman) that I author.

This blog will be solely devoted to diabetes and mental health. My current struggles with D, my struggles with my 2 type 1 kids, and hopefully some research and good techniques to manage the "Mind Game" that accompanies living with diabetes. 

I guess what prompted this new blog was a recent experience that is actually very fresh in my mind.  So raw I am dealing with it in my heart and soul as I type this, which will hopefully make it more real.

If you have had the chance to read my other blogs,  you will know my style is open, candid and real. Feel free to let me know if you feel I am straying from my blog writing principals.

I have had diabetes for 28 years, and for the most part  have successfully managed it. Nevertheless, it has  taken its toll on me mentally.

Last week it (Diabetes) finally beat me, at the mental game. I call it a game because it is, see my post on Three 2 Treat called, "A Diabetes Mind Game"  Well let's just say I felt like I was defeated and in check mate(which in chess means game over, no other moves, the end)  Ready to topple over my king in the game of life.

In my 38 years of being on this earth, this is the lowest I have ever felt. I have always been able to see a glimmer of light. Not this day.  I woke up, went to work, and didn't take my insulin. That's right, I did not take any insulin. For those with Type 1 DM you know this is not a good way to start the day. I picked my children up, dropped them off, and said my goodbye, I will always love you no matter what statements. WTF!  Who does that......

Now, a glimpse into my mind. Why was I in check mate. I had lost all desire to care. I was tired, so very tired, of diabetes, life, commitments, bills, debt, basically tired of living.  I decided my plan was to go into (DKA) Diabetic Ketoacidosis and slip away.  I know in retrospect it is an easy way out. But a way to never think about diabetes ever again.  So what happened?

Well, I posted a comment titled "Life Sucks!"on facebook.  Then went about my work day(pretending diabetes didn't exist). It is amazing how you can act normal, despite what you are truly feeling on the inside.

Later in the day, cramps started to set in, my brain got foggier, and I knew I was on my path to DKA, according to the plan.  I was thirsty but did not drink.  I wanted to be dehydrated, it would expedite the process and end result..

Then I received a call from my friend, who happened to be a very talented social worker. He said, "Hey buddy, wanna grab a burger after work today". I immediately started crying, it was like the flood gates busted, I was now swearing at him under my breath for making me cry at work. He made me promise to meet him, and I did.

I arrived at the restaurant before him.  Starting to feel abdominal cramps, and physically sick. I ordered a double burger, bacon, loaded, with onion rings, and a large coke.  I had know idea what my glucose was and didn't care.  Ryan arrived, sat down, and my phone rang. I answered it, "Hello, this is officer ------ may I speak to Trevor?" I replied,  "This is him, may I help you sir?"  He sated he wanted to talk to me as there was a concern about my safety.

I told him my location,  and informed him that  I had my friend here and handed Ryan the phone. Ryan told the Police officer that he would ensure I took my insulin and if not he would call the officer back.  Being a health care professional I knew that if I did not comply,  the police would apprehend me and lock me in a psych ward for the night or longer. Wow, was I fucked up.  I didn't care either way.  I also had to promise to make an apt with my physician ASAP. So what happened?

 I spent the night with Ryan. The next day I went home to my wife. I seen my physician. I am booked to see a counsellor to hopefully figure out what got me to this desperate state. Still not sure if I need to go to the hospital.  I know I want to live. I know there are options. I know my wife and children need me, and love me.  Like I said before what the hell is wrong with my brain!? 

Life can get pretty messed up.  Our minds are amazing things, our emotions are amazing things too, however, sometimes, emotions confuse the mind, self talk no longer works, and emotions are so overwhelming  that poor and often life threatening decisions and/or  actions are set into effect.

I used to hate facebook, but I fear what the outcome what have been if Ryan hadn't been perceptive to my post and called me. I'd either be dead, seriously ill, or locked up in a mental hospital.

But....Here I am. At work on Monday,  contemplating the last five days. Playing a serious game of mental chess with diabetes, who is relentless in his ability to take me down again.  I say the Mind-Game isn't over yet.  Let's reset the Chess Board and hopefully I can be more strategic this time around. 

Trev